-You guys, we’re so glad
he’s here. Bernie Sanders is my guest
tonight. [ Cheers ]
Senator — [ Applause ] And this is nice. Backstage he said that he
watches me every night when he gets up to pee. Isn’t that nice?
I thought that was so — I thought that was —
-That’s really cool. -Last night was
Super Tuesday 2.0, and it was a rough one
for Bernie. The only person who
had a worse night was “The Bachelor’s” mom, Barb. Oh, my God.
[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Wow.
-Well, guys, everyone is still talking about the Coronavirus. Now listen to this.
I saw that President Trump has now appointed Treasury
Secretary Steve Mnuchin to handle Coronavirus relief
talks. Can we see Steve Mnuchin?
Yeah. So don’t worry, everybody. Our future is now in the hands
of adult McLovin. So everything’s —
[ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Of course, the airline
industry’s also in trouble, but I read that
some young people are taking advantage of cheap
flights and booking trips. [ Cheers and applause ] No! No! No! In one article,
a girl actually said, “If I die, I die.” [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, that’s also the
slogan for Spirit Airlines. And that’s just —
[ Laughter ] That’s bad.
That’s bad. -That’s not true. -And now a state of
emergency has been declared in over a dozen states,
including Massachusetts. That’s in addition to the one
already in place over Tom Brady possibly
leaving the Patriots. [ Laughter ]
But this is serious. There hasn’t been a state of
emergency in Massachusetts since a Starbucks opened
across the street from Dunkin’ Donuts.
[ Laughter ] You can’t do that. And now a lot of TV shows
are making changes in response
to the Coronavirus. Check out the beginning
of “The View” today. This is real.
-Oh, my goodness. Why, hello, hello, hello, and
welcome to “The View,” y’all. Welcome to “The View.”
Welcome to “The View.” Welcome to “The View.” Welcome to “The View.”
Welcome to “The View.” Welcome to “The View,”
welcome to “The View.” -There’s nobody there
and it’s still way too loud. What — how —
[ Laughter ] And listen to this.
Because of the virus, Coachella has been pushed back
to the fall. [ Audience aws ]
Yeah, no Coachella. No South by Southwest.
No spring break trips. Pretty soon Instagram’s
just gonna be homemade omelets and the shrug emoji.
[ Laughter ] Meanwhile, in the UK,
an amusement park owner filled a claw machine with
toilet paper and hand sanitizer. [ Laughter ] Unfortunately, everyone who
touched the same joystick has now been quarantined to
inside the claw machine. “Get me out!”
[ Light laughter ] Guys, the CDC is saying that
they are doing everything they can to
make sure people are staying healthy right now. And to get their tips out there, they’ve even been writing
some songs. -Ah, here we go. -What, Tariq?
-Let me guess. You’re going to list a whole
bunch of song titles that are really just jokes about
washing your hands and staying healthy. -I mean, yeah,
that was the plan. -And then each one will
pop up as, like, a graphic so everyone can see it
and laugh about it. [ Laughter ]
-Right. -Yeah. I know exactly how
this will go. Okay, the screen is gonna
look something like a Billboard chart. And then it’s going to be,
I don’t know, titled something like “CDC Song.”
[ Laughter ] And then underneath that,
it will list things like, “Old Town Soap” and…
[ Laughter ] “Snot Girl Summer.”
[ Laughter ] Oh, and “Don’t Want to Get
Sicko Mode.” [ Laughter ] And “Stupid Bugs,”
stuff like that. Oh, and finally,
“I Can’t Touch My Face.” -Yeah, but…
[ Laughter ] -Is that how it’s going to go? -You nailed it.
[ Laughter ] -Thought so. -But you missed one thing. One, two, three, four, five — -Hold on. Hold on.
Let me guess. Let me guess. You were going to sing
“Can’t Touch My Face.” And then the lyrics
were gonna be something like… ♪ I can’t touch my face
or I’ll get flu ♪ ♪ And Corona
And Corona ♪ ♪ I can’t touch my face
What will I do? ♪ ♪ I’ll buy some Lysol
And some Clorox ♪ [ Laughter ] -Yeah. Those are the lyrics. -Right. I don’t think
you should do that bit. -All right. We won’t.
Tariq Trotter, everyone. Thank you, Tariq.
[ Cheers and applause ] Guy’s the best. That’s nice of him.
He stopped me. -Impressive. Impressive. -Well, guys, as I said, last
night was “The Bachelor” finale. Did you guys watch it?
[ Cheers and applause ] It was good.
So it was the finale. And so if you don’t know it,
this is a spoiler. Whatever you know. But if you don’t,
that’s your fault. But Pete — Peter got
engaged to Hannah Ann, which is my choice. I think that was the way to go. Yeah, and that’s the one the mom
was all upset about. She really loved Hannah Ann. But then after a month of being
engaged, he dumped her. [ Audience oohs ] Yeah. And then he chose — What’s her name?
[ Audience responds ] Madison.
He chose Madison. Yeah. Anyways, Peter’s mom did not
like the choice. I think she thought she was
on a different reality show because at one point,
she hit a button and her chair turned around.
[ Laughter ] So anyways, so Peter
and Hannah Ann got engaged and after one month, Peter
decided to call it off. Friends knew that there was
trouble eight hours into the engagement
when Peter auditioned to be on “Love is Blind.”
-Wow. -That’s right, Peter
and Hannah Ann’s engagement lasted one month. Come on.
Trump’s had chief of staffs last longer than that.
[ Laughter ] Seriously, one month?
The entire season of “The Bachelor” lasted
longer than that. [ Laughter ]
One month? That’s not an engagement.
That’s a quarantine. [ Laughter ] Some business news,
I saw that McDonald’s is now selling two
new sizes of Big Mac. There’s the Little Mac
with one patty, and the Double Mac
with four patties. [ Laughter ]
[ Audience ohs ] And this is cool,
they’re already making a Little Mac, Double Mac movie starring Kevin Hart
and Dwayne Johnson. Isn’t that amazing?
I’d go see it. [ Cheers and applause ]
I love that. -Beautiful. -Get this.
Hostess is releasing new iced lattes flavored
like their snack cakes. Like Twinkies, Ding Dongs,
and Sno Balls. They’re caffeinated so now
you’ll be wide awake for your heart attack. [ Laughter ] And this is interesting.
I read that when it comes to men’s cologne, citrus
and florals are becoming more popular. There’s actually a brand-new
scent that’s sweeping the nation
right now. Check this out. -Rare. Bold. Seductive. A new fragrance you
simply can’t ignore. You’ll want to cover yourself
in it everywhere you go. Introducing… Puree by Dior. -Puree. -Available for men
and women and especially people over 70. $1,000 at Macy’s. [ Cheers and applause ] -Puree. Puree. And finally, everyone.
wildlife officials in Wisconsin had to rescue a skunk that got
his head stuck in a soup can. Take a look. Aw.
[ Audience aws ] Afterwards, the skunk was like, “You idiots,
that was my face mask. Don’t you realize we’re living
through a pandemic? Leave me alone.”
We’ve got a great show.