The Town With No Name (CDTV) – Angry Video Game Nerd (Episode 163)

The Town With No Name (CDTV) – Angry Video Game Nerd (Episode 163)


Time for another Nerd episode, but first I wanna talk to you about this video’s sponsor: ExpressVPN. If you’re not familiar, a VPN is a Virtual Private Network. It’s basically a service that encrypts your internet data, and gives you additional security from ad companies, and protection against hackers. It doesn’t just work on computers, but also phones and other devices. You open the program, single tap, and it’s on! Simple as that. You can even customize the location you’re appearing in. I’ll pick, uh… Switzerland! Heard they have good chocolate. And boom! It’s that easy. I use Express VPN because privacy is important. It keeps my information anonymous, and safe from third parties. Also, it’s less than seven dollars a month with a 30-day money-back guarantee. Take back your internet privacy today, and find out how you can get three months free by clicking the link in the description: That’s “expressvpn.com/cinemassacre”, for three months free with a one-year package; again, please visit “expressvpn.com/cinemassacre”. And now, on with the show! [ominous music] Narrator: “Previously, on the Angry Video Game Nerd…” AVGN: Huh? “Warning: Do not play Track 1 of this game CD on any audio CD player.” Why not? [loud orchestrated music] I have to find out…
[loud orchestrated music] [static] I guess the reason they tell you not to do it… …is because this game has the soundtrack and track 1 is the game file, so it doesn’t work. Anyway… Today, we’re gonna play a Town With No Name, but first, we gotta talk about the system it ran on: the Commodore CDTV. Which was basically a home computer and a CD-Rom drive crammed into an aluminum coffin. Know what “CDTV” stands for? “Compact Disc TeleVision”? No. It actually stands for: “Commodore Dynamic Total Vision”. Wow. What a shitty, redundant acronym. Because it’s the Commodore CDTV, which means: “Commodore Commodore Dynamic Total Vision”. Kinda like how DC Comics is technically “Detective Comics Comics”? Ever notice that? Alright, just gotta go get my CDTV… …somewhere over here. Intelligames, Coleco… …Famicom… Where is it…? I don’t have a CDTV right now, to play it. Although the CDTV is basically the same as the Amiga 500 PC, which I also don’t have. The Town With No Name can be played on anything using the Amiga Advanced Graphics Architecture chipset. As found… in the Amiga CD32. You gotta be kidding me… Ugh! Eugh, God! [Nerd groaning in disgust] Alright, here we go, again! But before we can play the game, let’s talk about the cover. Ugh, look at this ugly mess. Even the weird Mega Man from the NES cover would look at this thing and vomit. Oh and says on the back here: “Congratulations! You have been personally selected from literally thousands of possible candidates to experience ‘The Town With No Name’.” Huh. “THE Town with No Name”. Well, the front just says “Town with No Name”. No “The”. Let’s see if the disc… huh. And the disc says: “Town With No Name”. Okay, alright…let’s pop this fucker in here. Ugh, good thing I didn’t throw away the paint can. [screeching tire noises] Announcer: “Enhance your game!” [rock music] Announcer: “Enhance your life!”
[Rock music in the backgronund] “Become a true CD32 master, and reach a whole new level of gaming excellence, with this brand new add-on, sold in these fine retailers!” AVGN: Ugh, it looks worse than I thought it would! So the train stops, and this guy gets off and just squashes the happiest spider in the world. And why is there so much blood?! Drifter: “Say, old timer. What place is this?” AVGN: Unbelievable… The lip-sync is actually worse than Drake of the 99 Dragons. Oh, wait, hold on… “THE Town With No Name”? Okay, so if we assume that the title in the ACTUAL game is the one that’s correct, that would mean the back of the box is correct, but… the front is wrong, which is actually worse; the disk is wrong, th-the spine is wrong, and let’s see what it says inside the manual. It says… …NOTHING! “The Town With No Name”? More like “The Instructions With No Words”! Oh, I thought the instructions in “Home Improvement” was bad, where it’s all covered up. This… is even LESS helpful! “From an idea by… Charlie Watts”? The drummer from Rolling Stones? Oh, was the game drawn by Keith Richards while he was on drugs?! “Music by The Jester”… [chuckles] Oh, that’s quite a jest! Oh, boy. It’s another menu. I can get back on the train, head in to town, or talk to the old timer. Fuck this, I’m gettin’ back on the train. [WOOSH!] [obnoxious fart noises] Boy: “Come back, Shane!” [BANG!] AVGN: He shot…a kid? Drifter: “My name’s not Shane, kid!” [sci-fi music] AVGN: [stammering] This is just… …A– boy! That’s a new one! I- I thought I was hallucinating, I- I- I thought it was the paint fumes coming from my CD32 add-on, but no! It’s the game! So here it is, for real this time. So you walk into the town and some asshole immediately starts shootin’ at you. From what I can tell, he can’t kill you. So, all you have to do is… click on ‘im. [BANG!] Bad guy: “Dang! That’s torn it. Euuugh!!” For Fred Fuchs’ sake, what’s with all the blood?! This game has more blood than Mortal Kombat! And the front of the cover, says: “Entertainment For All Ages”! Where’s the ESRB when you need ’em? Turns out the guy you killed is the little brother of Evil Eb, the leader of the Hole-in-the-Head gang, and now he’ll stop at nothing to hunt you down. So on to yet another menu. That’s pretty much all the game is – navigating menus. It’s basically “Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties”, but in the Wild West, and way worse, believe it or not. Alright, let’s go get a drink at the Saloon. [awful Wild West music playing] Uhh…! Another ear-splitting hit from the Jester. So in the saloon, you get a drink… if you can catch it. [Swoosh!] [glass breaking] You can also play this shitty card game. It’s just Three-card Monte, but you can’t get out of it until you’ve played three whole games of it. And it goes on forever. You can also go upstairs and check out the rooms. One room has a hooker that you can sleep with. Yeah, “entertainment for all ages”. Drifter: “Oh, no!” “What a time to discover I have a hygiene problem!” AVGN: But she’ll reject you until you take a bath. And then… [smooching] [singing] Well, that was horrifying. The last room is some guy throwin’ knives at you, and I’m dead. [tires screeching and engines revving] Well, the Evil Dead reference is a nice touch, but trust me, you’re gonna get sick of it. Oh, cool; I’m back at the beginning. At least Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties lets you start where you left off, but this game…has no mercy! So after playin’ through the same shit, over and over, I found out something. Basically, all you have to do to progress the story is to walk into a location, and then leave. Every time you leave, you get a cutscene with the “Back to the Future” font, for some reason. I guess because the third Back to the Future takes place in the Wild West? Then a new guy comes to town, and you duel him. You don’t need to do anything; just walk in, walk out, and that’s it. Each location has absolutely no bearing on the story, except for the Saloon, which we’ll get to in a bit. They’re just pointless diversions meant to waste your time. There’s a store with this creepy fuck who sells you a special offer. Creepy Clerk: “Step right up, sir, step right up, and take advantage of today’s once-in-a-lifetime never-to-be-repeated mega special offer!” AVGN: Yeah, a special offer; it’s one baked bean. Man, I hope that’s a joke. I can’t imagine anyone putting themselves through the torture of collecting all 425 of these. There’s a jail house where you can see the rogue’s gallery. It’s supposed to be the guys who try to kill you, but I’m pretty sure it’s the creators of the game. Honestly, for creating this shit, they deserve to be put in jail! Alright, next is the Church. [loud organ music] AHH! That Jester! That– Mmmh! That…! Fuck! So here you can talk to this priest, who mumbles something, and then… …um… …flies into the ceiling? The stable has this googly-eyed horse, and I love that damn horse; it’s hilarious! You can try to steal it, but it kicks your ass all across the town! Still love it, though. There’s the blacksmith, where this Clint-Eastwood-lookin’ guy is just hangin’ out. You can talk to him, or you shoot ‘im. Whatever you want. [BANG!] I don’t know what I expected… …but it wasn’t THAT! My head gets blown, CLEAN off, and there isn’t a SINGLE drop of blood. I mean, th- the spider bleeds like it’s nobody’s fuckin’ business, but your head…! Like, c’mon! [sighs] Like I said, all you have to do is enter a place, then exit and duel. The first guy is Nasty Ned. He’s really easy; just click on ‘im when you see ‘im, and he’s dead Nasty Ned: “¡Caramba! That really hurt!” “Oh, I am gonna fall over now, so byyyeee!” AVGN: Zippy Zeke, on the other hand is a bastard and a half. He pops up all over the place and you only have like a second to hit him, which is almost impossible because the cursor on this thing is slower than a turd coming out the asshole of a constipated snail. The only way to win here is to watch the pattern, figure out where he’ll be, and put your cursor there, Then you hit that button faster than diarrhea comin’ out the asshole of an unconstipated cheetah). The third guy you fight is Crafty Clint, but he ain’t that crafty. He just comes in at the bottom corner of the screen, and you shoot ‘im. Eventually, you’ll get stuck. I ran around every single location, clicking every single option, before I finally found out what to do. The next guy only comes out when you head to the Saloon and choose to play cards. But seriously, how was I supposed to know that? He explains the rules for like an hour, and it’s really obvious that the voice actor was just reading a cue card because he stumbles in places. Wildcard McVee: “The loser has to pay 1¢ per point.” “10…picture cards and aces all cost 10¢.” AVGN: Eventually, I win, and he gets pissed off. Wildcard McVee: “Nobody beats me, and nobody cheats me. And you’ve been trying to do both. Let’s settle this, now. Out in the str-” [Drifter’s body shatters] And then I’m back at the beginning again. Y’know, with this game, you make one tiny step forward, and then it sets you all the way back. It’s like a friend comes over and says, “Hey! You wanna play ‘Rock-Paper-Scissors?” So you’re gonna play it, but then instead, he just punches you right in the face, and then he says, “You wanna play again?” And you’re like, “Okay…”, and this time you’re ready for it. So this time, you go to punch him in the face first, but then he kicks you in the balls, and he says, “You wanna play again?” And you say yes… …but this time as soon as the motherfucker starts talkin’… …I shoot him! Wildcard McVee: “Oh, no. This waistcoat is ruined.” AVGN: So now he’s dead, and it plays a dramatic cutscene. Bad Bart: “Do you have the right time, old ma-” [♫ Pop Goes The Weasel ♫] [♫ “Pop Goes The Weasel” ♫ fades into dramatic organ version ] “No.” So finally, after killing the last two guys, you face the main bad guy: Evil Eb. He jitters around and…whispers his lines. [whispers] It’s like the voice actor didn’t want to wake his parents in the next room. Evil Eb: “Let’s get started!” AVGN: It’s anti-climactic, to say the least. So this time, you spare Evil Eb, and get the thrilling conclusion to the story. If only the audio would stop cutting. Evil Eb: “Go on then, Billy Bob. Finish me off.” Drifter: “Billy Bo-?” Evil Eb: “You mean you’re not Billy Bob?” AVGN: So it turns out, you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. You showed up to the wrong city, and Eb thought you were someone else, so you walk off to the Saloon with Evil Eb to grab a whiskey, and then the game just kicks your ass back to the beginning! Well. That’s it. And the good news is I never have to play the Amiga CD32 ever again, and just to make SURE this time, I’m sendin’ this thing back to the depths of Hell! [rifle fire] [explosions] -Hadouken! [1/6] -Hadouken! [2/6] -Hadouken! [3/6] -Hadouken! [4/6] -Hadouken! [5/6] -Hadouken! [6/6 ✓] -Finger Fires [1/3] -Finger Fires [2/3] -Finger Fires [3/3 ✓] -Fuck [1/3] -“Fuck-fire!” -Fuck [2/3] -“Fuck-fire!” -Fuck [3/3 ✓] -“Fuck-fire!” [sigh] You know what? Fuck this digital shit. Because this thing, needs to be destroyed, for real; I’m not jokin’ around. I’m goin’ practical! I’m gonna do the real fuckin’ deal! HOW’S THAT FOR PRACTICAL?! [Amiga CD32’s battery explodes] YEAH! BURN, BABY, BURN! YEEEAAAHHHH!!! WHEW, BOY! YE-HE-HE-HE-HEAAAH!!

100 thoughts on “The Town With No Name (CDTV) – Angry Video Game Nerd (Episode 163)”

  1. Was that bit at the beginning where if he gets back on the train, and his character blows away a kid and the train zooms off in space, real?

  2. When the CD 32 paint bucket addon commercial played when it said

    "enhance you life"

    I could've sworn I heard

    "enhance your wife"

    I was like word lemme get one lmao 😂😂🤣😂

  3. The WhiteWolfWarrior98 2004

    4:50
    Do spiders actually bleed?
    6:04
    I saw this in a video called "best ending in video games history". That wouldn't go well today.
    The voices acting are so bad and cheesy it's funny.
    10:09
    Horse: THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!
    10:22
    LOL.

  4. Ugh! Reminds me of my Commodore Vic-20 or Comm-64 games except those were better. This was ass. Not good ass either, this is impacted bowel crap filled ass. Yeesh.

  5. I'm more annoyed with the random reference to 'For a Few Dollars More' just for the understandably dumbed down version of the pocket watch music…look, I get that games back then would've had a tiny size limit due to hardware limitations with the console, but to me that's even more of a reason to just make your own music that can compensate for the limitations.

  6. You really burned this rare old collectible system? … Even if it has only trash games, atleast as collectible it would have been still awesome…

  7. Step right up sir step right up and take advantage of todays once in a lifetime never to be repeated mega special offer…1 bean😑

  8. I came here because of a Facebook comment that said this game was miles better than RDR2 and has top notch graphics

    I don't know what I expected

  9. I get it. So Billy-Bob avoids the town and, er, shoots the kid on his way out. Because he's evil?
    Whereas Shane goes into town and gets mistaken for Billy-Bob.
    This explains…. absolutely nothing.
    Who made this "game"!?

  10. This game is a fu*king joke dude! This JUST CANT be for sale on the shelves at game stores, department stores, etc.. That CANT be true.

  11. Actual hope that was just a spare CD32 only cause those things are rare and can be used to play good Amiga home computer games properly formatted to any old CD-ROM

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